Perhaps a better title would be "you gotta be kidding."

In my first writing on this four-footed fur ball I own, I mentioned they are versatile creatures that can travel over some of the worst terrain available at full speed.

My stepson, (we won't reveal his name so as to protect his identity, because anyone who would pull this caper needs looking after), takes the dog for a walk every evening around 7:00, Rain or Shine DOG!, ..  is going for a walk. Otherwise, there is no living with it.

So my stepson, despite having graduated from an institution of higher learning, buys a set of roller-skates, something he has  been on once in his 42 years on this planet and announces he has discovered an "easier" way to "Walk the Dog"

As I mentioned before I own a Beagle. You know, Hunter, Tracker Extraordinaire?  As I also mentioned, and everyone knows, they are four-wheel drive with a heavy transmission and turning radius of approximately 6 inches. 

Being four-wheel drive also makes beagles "All Terrain."  Their low profile allows them to maneuver easily  under shrubbery, porches, low tree branches, hanging pottery, some vehicles and clotheslines.  Their forward speed is impeded only by whatever is on the other end of the leash...in this case, a fool on roller-skates.

Yeah, you see it coming; don't you?  - He didn't.

He forgot the major elements of walking a Beagle.
1) They are trackers, they are hunters, they will pursue and kill their prey.

2) They never give up a trail.  They might lose it,  but will double back (remember their turning radius) pick it up again (again the turning radius comes into play).  And do not forget this is a walk - there is a leash involved.

3) They are "dumb" animals. They cannot read stop signs at intersections flashing railroad warnings mean nothing to them. (Refer back to #2)

4) They are four wheel drive and, again, "All-Terrain."

Come time for the walk, I had to go see how this progressed.  Once in his harness, true to form, the dog went to the street as if he was the pilot of the Concorde: lowered the nose, and poured on the coals.  Sensing the "No Load Tension" of my stepson on roller skates, the dog pulled a Martin Luther King: "Free at Last, Free at Last"…. and shifted into "Cruise mode"

"Whoa!" does not work with most dogs, and especially Beagles.  "Stop you crazy */?@# hound, isn't much help either. 

The walk would have gone well actually except for four elements.

1) The stepson having been on roller skates once about 30 years ago.
2) A Beagle's inability to read
3) Cross traffic
4) A squirrel on its way home after a day of foraging.

The squirrel was halfway across the roadway when it and the dog simultaneously spot each other.  The dog rushes for the squirrel, which stands frozen in the middle of the intersection.  Just as the dog arrives, the squirrel pulls a Joe Namath and cuts left. takes two hops, and then cuts right...heading the direction the dog was coming from.  The dog (remember the turning radius) continues after the squirrel right back toward my step-son and through his legs.  The forward momentum of the approach speed sends my stepson into the center of the intersection about 6 inches in front of the car.  Standing on one foot trying to remove the leash from between his legs, he manages to be flipped (said it was like playing "crack the whip") and hurled at top speed the opposite direction,  just as the car passes behind him with the mirror brushing his backside. 

He had began to recover in an attempt to somehow take control of the chaos occuring in front of him and was pulling him to what he thought would be his demise.  He could see it now "Here Lies "Gaarno" Killed by a berserk squirrel and a souped up beagle."

He was just about to put his plan into action when the animals "took to the hills,"  across lawns, under mail boxes, around lamp posts.  Half dragged and half running the stepson was holding his own until the neighbors "monster truck" with the airboat hitched to it loomed ahead.

The squirrel went under the truck, zigged right, back toward the street, out between the front wheels and  then zagged left toward the tree that contained its nest.   The dog, knowing where the squirrel lived, continued straight through under the truck and made a bee-line for the tree.  He would have had him had he not weighed 68 pounds and couldn't climb the tree.

My stepson, having escaped in time to prevent his profile from being imbossed into the passenger door of the vehicle, comes home.  He has me make up and print out a sign that says FREE, size 11, which he places with the skates on the corner of our property by the street.

The dog by now has resigned himself to the fact the squirrel has gotten away again and has reposed himself on the sofa with one of his many chew toys.  My stepson, returning from his quest with the sign, looks at the dog, who looks back as if to say, "Wow man, you should have been with me.  I had an adventure you wouldn't believe! We'll do it together  tomorrow night."  The stepson utters a few words we will not mention here and retires to his apartment.

Yes owning a dog, especially a Beagle, can be an adventure in and of itself.

Well, have to go - time to Walk the Dog.